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June 4, 2012 / Wythe

Monster In My Pocket

As I think often happens to us regarding bizarre childhood toys, I thought I was the only one who had ever seen, played with, or (briefly) obsessed over these things. Monster(s) In My Pocket(s). Obviously I was not…

These small plastic toys were quite influential in the formation of my psyche and my love of all things gigantically mythological. My favorite monsters appear in the infamous Series 1, but I am glad to know that the show went on, long after I had lost my MiMPs: Later monsters included those of such memorable groupings as Series 6 Dinosaurs/Secret Skeleton Dinosaurs and Monster Ninja Warriors In My Pocket, which is just stupid… #StupidAwesome.

Given MiMPs’ brief reprisal in 2006, one wonders if they’ll return in the future, perhaps as a cereal or shaped vegetarian meat product…

Anywho, here are a few of my favorite pocket monsters—all of them terrifying and appropriate for post-apoc DnD adaptation, unlike those pocket monsters of Japanese fame:

1. The Great Beast, a flying, multi-headed, non-hydra, non-dragon, non-Gojira… thing. Very intimating. Hell of: muscles, hunger, rage, greatness, beastitude. Many large toes. Probably designed by an aging imperial bioengineer who had read too many adventuresome romances. Probably uses: laser breath, laser fart, etc. Definitely uses: beast fire aura, as pictured:

2. The Behemoth, a cross-eyed, gap-tooth reptilian pre-god from biblical times, i.e. before a monster had to make any sense as a zooform or deliver up any moral lesson upon his defeat by Generic Hero. Capable of truly mysterious feats and also gigantism. (Note, Dear Reader, how a running joke of MiMPs is that the monsters that the tiny plastic toys are meant to illustrate in three dimensions are, in fact, huge, and not a single inch tall.) Behemoth employs: crushing, smiling, creepy slow walking inexorability. Possibly employs: ancientness, mystery. Does not employ: non-iron shirts from Banana Republic. Because he LOVES to iron shirts. Jokes—behemoth (the behemoth? Señor Behemoth?) is totes naked. As pictured:

Behold now the behemoth that I have made with you; he eats grass like cattle.
Behold now his strength is in his loins and his power is in the navel of his belly.
His tail sways like a cedar; the sinews of his thighs are knit together.
His limbs are as strong as copper, his bones as a load of iron.
His is the first of God’s ways; his Maker can draw His sword.
For the mountains bear food for him, and all the beasts of the field play there.
Does he lie under the shadows, in the cover of the reeds and the swamp?
Do the shadows cover him as his shadow? Do the willows of the brook surround him?
Behold, he plunders the river, and does not harden; he trusts that he will draw the Jordan into his mouth.
With His eyes He will take him; with snares He will puncture his nostrils.

3. Karnak, which is really a temple complex in Egypt. Well, whatever “Karnak” is supposed to be, I dig the ancient stonepunk imperial garb/anger. What creature’s fangs decorate his belt? Why is holding those skulls? #SOCOOL. But the illustration leaves something to be desired here. He looks like a dogfaced man angrily guarding a gigantic, poorly constructed beehive:

4. Winged Panther, whaaat!? I love this idea, and the toy is amazing. So what the hell is this housefly-winged hyena doing here:

I’ve officially run out of steam to discuss these abominations (and their abominable trading-card art).

But before I go, let’s give a big honorable mention to: the paleo-terror T-Rex, the Japanese crow-man Tengu (here much more terrifying than usual) ,the tentacular Kraken, and the howling Werewolf.

And one question: Why is Kali a “monster?”

Any other fans of Monster(s) in my Pocket(s) out there?

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